sushi and butch walker...

if i could do anything tonight, i would go eat sushi and watch a butch walker show...

here are the problems:

1) butch walker doesn't come to little rock - i don't know if he ever will...

2) well, #1 was really the only problem...

i'd settle for another kind of food and a different show... maybe i'll wander down to riverfest... 

but it'd be so great to see butch walker...

do they have support group meetings for insomniacs?

if they did, would the meetings be in the middle of the night? or would that just encourage it?

just curious...

i don't know what it is about me that feels the need to stay up late... i have no reason for being up less than 8 hours before i have to be a fully-aware-and-responsible adult at work tomorrow... but then again, i could probably stay up for a few more hours and be okay... 

but i would hate my life tomorrow... 

i wish everything ran on my time... that would make my life a lot easier... i wouldn't have to worry about the fact that i woke up late this morning and have to figure out a way to work late or through lunch some either tomorrow or sometime this week to make up for time lost today... 

i want to write about something productive... instead, because of the time of day when i finally get to the computer with intentions to write, all i can think about is how i should already be in bed and how i need sleep to function the next day -- and how i'm not accomplishing or achieving said sleep because i want to do something creative...

i'm writing a book... i've talked about it before... but i've never really taken it all that seriously... i think i'm going to now... i don't know if it will end up being one of those "bucket list by 30" items for me or not... but i figure that now is as good of a time as any to do something creative with my life and time... we'll see... writing down my thoughts is one thing... going through the process of making it all flow together is quite another thing... getting it published is an even bigger thing... wish me luck. remind me of good stories we've shared... i have a lot in my head, but i am sure there are some i'm forgetting...

growth vs. growing up...

sometimes i wish i could measure specific growth in my life... whether it's personal or spiritual... i wish that it was like the pencil lines on the inside of the downstairs hall closet... that it would be tangible... specific... 

i think there are some areas in my life where i'm growing... and i like being able to realize that i've grown, but i HATE the growth process... i hate the "growing up" part... i never experienced growing pains... the actual physical pain that comes with some growth - or at least i don't think i did... but it makes me think back to some times in life that there was a lot of pain or suffering... and how it was much easier to focus on the pain and suffering than the outcome... and now, sure, it is easy to look back and understand... but in the midst of it, it's just more complicated than that...

i was thankful when caleb came to christ church a few weeks ago... his words will continue to be something that i want to measure my life by... in talking about a possibility of him having a life-altering condition (negative), he said, "if i have it, i'm going to praise Him. if i don't have it, i'm going to praise Him. my praise should not be dependent upon the circumstances. i have a 50/50 chance of having this disease, but 100% chance of being in God's will."

i wish i lived my life with that mentality... ouch... growing pain...

these are really disjointed thoughts... i originally sat down to write, "i can't believe i'm up late again - hopefully i'll be in bed by midnight" and ended up with this... i guess it's something i needed to sort through...

my favorite scene in grey's anatomy tonight was when meredith looked at christina and said, "are you in a dark place? i am, too." and there was this understanding of life being messy and not necessarily wanting to be happy... i get it. but i'm not in a dark place right now... but i do appreciate the friends who get the dark and messy parts of my world. 

still dumb...

i just read over my last entry... and i was lucky with 6 hours of sleep... last night it was 5... but it was well worth it...

even though i was a zombie today... and i realized at lunch that i hadn't really eaten meat in a few days... and i wondered if that added to my weariness... i felt ravenously hungry... 

and now i'm up late again... i've been on the phone, sharing stories and living life... 

i'm really glad that tomorrow is thursday and that thursday is next to friday... 

i have to get some sleep... 

We sleep around here. Okay, we like it. It makes us pretty and keeps us from killing our crazy friends.

i need sleep... in fact, i should have been in bed 2 hours ago... i should plan on a full 8 hours every night... i should not stay up and do teenager-ish or college-ish behavior-type things... and yet, i don't always do the things i should do... where is the fun in that?

so instead of going to bed at 10-something, i called a friend... i needed to get out of my apartment... i didn't want to sit at home and i didn't want to be left alone with me... and i convinced my friend to go hang out with me... i ate food that is not good for me too late in the night... i know it's bad for me... i know that eating after 9:00 (is it 9, still?) is bad... at least i drank water... and i did blame part of it on the fact that i didn't really have dinner and i was told to eat good meals and drink a lot of water because i'm giving blood tomorrow (or at least attempting)... 

but none of that is really the point... 

i love that right now i can do ridiculous things like go eat breakfast at 10:00 p.m. i like that i have other friends (who are mostly younger than me) who will put up with my whims and actually meet me for breakfast at 10:00 p.m. i know this will not always be the norm in my life... i know that someday, and to be honest, it's most days already, i will not have the desire to go eat breakfast at crazy hours... i mean, when i was in college, 10 was early... i know that eventually, all my friends will be married and will no longer have time to go out on a whim... maybe i will even be in that situation someday...

i guess the thing i am realizing the older i get and the faster time passes is that it's important to stop and embrace life before it slips out of our hands... 

tonight i was thankful for conversations about life and grandmas and theology and well, even boys... all over some runny eggs... for the fact that it was both a possibility and a reality...

but for now, i need sleep... i don't know that i'll get quite enough to make me "pretty" but if i don't get to bed now, i'll be fighting with the inevitable "opposite of pretty" in the morning - both physical and emotional... and i don't want to kill my crazy friends tomorrow... so 6 hours of sleep, maybe 6 and a half will just have to do... 

it's about time...

so i FINALLY got a mac!! i love it! 

i also love being able to pick up the wireless network from the hotel across the street... even if i do have to lay on the floor between my living room and office to pick it up... i don't mind so much!!!

lately i've been intrigued by the show jon and kate plus eight - it makes my blood pressure rise every time i watch it... too many kids and crazy and crazy... there is something to be said for her organizational skills... i can't imagine trying to manage their household... so i guess it's good that it is their life and not mine...

life is good... work is good... i feel like there are a lot of possibilities, but i'm not sure how it's all going to work out... so i'm just taking life one day at a time and making it work... 

so that's it...

there is a jon and kate plus eight marathon on... gotta go... may need some meds later, though...